Julie Rosenfield

My journal

Archive for the tag “humour”

BREAKING ALL THE RULES! (SHORT STORY)

Dear Mr Honeydew

I see from your magazine, ‘The Chaperone’, that you are currently seeking entries for a short story competition on the theme of love.

I attach my short story “Hot Coals” for your consideration.

Yours sincerely

K.L. Rowling

 

Dear Mr Rowling

As you will see from our competition rules, in order to enter our contest, you will need to print out your story in a Word document format and mail it to us with the requisite entry fee. Please remember to enclose an SAE, should you want your story returned.

I regret that e-mail entries are not acceptable.

Yours sincerely

B.D. Honeydew

Editor, ‘The Chaperone’

PS Any relation?

Dear Mr Honeydew

What’s all this with Mr Rowling?  Please call me Katherine.

Of course, my name’s not really K.L. Rowling. I just figured that when I eventually get my novel published, they’ll have to put it on the library shelf next to J.K. Rowling and, if her books are out of stock, people will naturally be drawn to pick my book up instead. Crafty, eh?

Katherine L. Rowling (no relation!)

 

Dear Katherine

Oh yes, I see. Sorry about confusing your gender. These days, you can’t always tell.

About your story, as I say, if you send it by post to ‘The Chaperone’ offices, someone will be sure to read it.

Kind regards

Bernard Honeydew

 

Dear Bernard

May I call you Bernard? We do seem to be on first name terms now.

So “someone” will read my story, will they? My dear Bernard, I don’t want just anyone to read it. Who did you have in mind:  one of your minions or juniors, perhaps?

In that case, I don’t think so. My story is, shall we say, rather of an adult nature? That’s why I’m sending it expressly to you as the Editor.

Katherine

Dear Katherine

Well, in that case, we couldn’t possibly consider your story.

‘The Chaperone’ magazine is meant for those dear readers who hark back to a more gentle era. Not the rather more bold, raunchy, anything goes tales of today.

Bernard

 

Bernard

Yes, I see what you mean. I raced to read your feature in last month’s issue, entitled “50 Shades…”, only to find a photo feature on parasols.

Really, Mr Honeydew, speaking as a red-blooded woman, it hardly raises the temperature, does it?

Katherine

Katherine

I can assure you that there was a wealth of subtle meaning behind that feature. The orange parasol, I feel, was positively twitching.

Less is more.

Bernard

Bernard

Nonetheless, we must agree to disagree.

Now, are you going to read my story or not? Otherwise, I can always submit it to your rival magazine, ‘The Governess’.

Katherine

 

Katherine

Well, in that case, as you insist, and as I do happen to have a little time on my hands this evening, I will take a brief look at it. No promises, mind.

But, in future, I would strongly urge you to submit any future stories in the usual way.

Bernard

Bernard

Well?

I’m waiting ….

Katherine

Katherine

I don’t know what to say.

Bernard

Bernard?

Does that mean it’s good or …. ?

Katherine

Katherine

Let me get straight to the point. Your story, though well-crafted and constructed, and with its excellent use of imagery and dialogue, was really rather ….

Bernard

Bernard?

Are you still there?

Katherine

Katherine

Well, what can I say? That scene with your characters, Tom and Lydia, cavorting in the sauna. Well, I have to say it was, rather, shall we say, steamy?

And that episode in the artist’s studio was, frankly, quite graphic.

My dear Mrs Rowling, readers of ‘The Chaperone’ are only looking for a little romance. More of a gentle saunter than a full-on sauna.

And, frankly, is it even possible or advisable to do such things in a sauna? NB Health and Safety!

Yours

Bernard

PS Is there a Mr Rowling?

Bernard

I assure you that the scene in the sauna is very possible. Why, in my youth, I myself was actually quite the gymnast. A lady never forgets.

In any case, we must think about your circulation.

Katherine

PS, There is a “Mr Rowling” as you call him, but he’s always far too busy working to pay me much attention these days.

Katherine

Nothing wrong with my circulation, I can assure you. I’m not sure about my blood pressure though, after reading your story.

Bernard

Bernard

I was talking about your magazine’s circulation, of course.

By the way, I do like the photo of you in the Editor’s Chair feature. Very handsome.

Katherine

PS Is there a Mrs Honeydew?

Katherine.

Thank you.

I’m glad you like the photo. I’m really rather proud of it myself.

Bernard

Bernard

Yes, but I would lose the white whiskers if I were you. Bit too Father Christmassy, in my opinion.

Katherine

Katherine

I’ll have you know that my wife, the first and only Mrs Honeydew, loves my beard. She says it makes me look very distinguished.

Bernard

Bernard

Good for Mrs Honeydew. I’d say you’d look 10 years younger without your beard. If you were my husband, I’d make you whip it off in no time.

Katherine Growling

Dear Mrs Rowling, Growling, Yowling or whatever you really call yourself

I feel this has really gone far enough and that we should put an end to this correspondence.

Your story is not suitable for publication for this magazine.

The Editor’s Decision is Final.

Bernard D. Honeydew

Bernard

I am attaching a photo of myself in a new, skin-tight, red leotard with my long brown hair falling loosely around my shoulders. 

I do hope you like it.

Yours

Katherine

Katherine

Thank you for your photo. Very charming, indeed.  I see what you mean about being a gymnast. You’ve clearly kept your figure over the years.

I do feel, though, that the judicious addition of a parasol might have been called for, with perhaps an accompanying warning for a man of my age.

Mr Rowling is a very lucky man.

Bernard

Bernard

I have a suggestion.

Why don’t we get together and set up a new magazine of our own?  Something a little more in touch with the present day?

Katherine

Katherine

Well, it’s certainly a thought. You do seem rather gifted.

Bernard

 

Bernard

Ah, does that mean you did like my story, after all?

Katherine

Katherine

Rather. I’m still hot under the collar thinking about it. And as for your photo ..

Bernard

Bernard

Perhaps we should have a meeting to discuss any … matters arising?

Katherine

Katherine

Yes, indeed. We should…

There is just one thing, though.

Bernard

Bernard

Yes?

Katherine

Katherine

When you come upstairs tonight, will you please switch all the lights off and leave the dog downstairs?

Bernard

Bernard

Really? Why’s that?

Katherine

 

Katherine – or rather –  Katie!

I rather think this is one night when we won’t need a chaperone!

All yours

Bernie

THE END

Julie H. Rosenfield               24.2.2014

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