B and No Thank Q!
It happened on Monday as it always does on Bank Holidays. Or should I say BandQ Holidays? B wanted to take me to B&Q, the DIY store.
“Don’t say I never take you anywhere,” he announces magnanimously.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against B&Q. I have spent many an afternoon on the tiles in there and my bathroom has only benefited as a result.
So far, so good, I think as I make my way towards their bright orange doors. Outside, my attention is caught by a poster advising of their new special offer, a generous discount on the hire of their lean, green, cleaning machine, the Rug Doctor. I sigh, thinking ruefully of my lacklustre bedroom flooring. A tempting offer indeed.
As I enter the store, my eye is caught (painful!) by a huge photo of two really sweet little mice. How charming, I think. Cute little noses, bright eyes, long whiskers. What a lovely welcome.
And then it all goes downhill. I am immediately brought out of my doting reverie by the long, green sign above the poster. One chilling word: Rentokil. And, on the accompanying display, a huge, menacing selection of poisons and rat traps.
Hard to believe we’re still in the festive season. Peace on earth, goodwell to men. What about mice? Aren’t they our fellow creatures? Not a very mice way to behave, now is it?
Despondent, I claw my way along the aisle to purchase a new bulb for my kitchen ceiling.No easy task. Should I go for a 2 year bulb for 10,000 hours, or a 10 year bulb for 100,000 hours, 45 watts or 60 watts, eco or …. ?
My ruminations are suddenly interrupted by an urgent announcement across the tannoy;
“B and Q are now offering wedding vouchers.”
Wedding vouchers? Did I hear that correctly? We’re in a DIY store – shouldn’t that be welding vouchers?
I listen again.
“Have your wedding gift list at B and Q. What better way to start the next chapter of your life than with a B and Q voucher?” What better way? I can think of many.Champagne and chocolates for a start.
To be honest, I’ve always thought that if I were to get married, I wouldn’t need DIY anymore. Not wishing to put a spanner in the works or hammer the point too much but isn’t that what a husband is for? No more having to get a little man in or call Trustatrader.com.
No, sad to say, a B and Q wedding gift voucher really feels like plumbing the depths. Sorry guys!
Paying for my light bulb, I finally start to leave the store. On the way out, I catch sight once again of the Rentokil poster with its helpless little mice. And, inspired by the Rug Doctor poster outside, I suddenly run back into the store and head for Customer Services. Looks like someone is in for a carpeting after all!